What is my perfect crime? I'm hashing in the Presidio at 7PM. Cockamole, Boner Marrow, and Cuming Mutha are just behind me, but do I go for Hand Pump's keg? No, it's surrounded by Ball Handler and Squeeze Box. I go for the heap of trash that Sticks and Dicks leapt over. I pull out the Matisse, the figure looks just like Crabs if you squint a bit. It's priceless.

As I am running through Pac Heights, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop, the Matisse belongs to Gloryhole's business. She's Do Her Well. I say no. She says 'Fuck you, trail is way." Five Angry Inches and Tonya Hardon are running towards me inexplicably, tossing flour in the air. It's ok, One and Done isn't a credible witness, and none of Dick Simmons's pictures will come out tonight. We drink beer all night. At circle, Humpy Slowcum tries to get the painting, but I disguise myself in a coyote's skin. It smells just like the virgin vest Muff Daddy gave to Just Gavin. He may never speak to Dude, Where's My Pants again. Just Georgina tries to pet me, but Tricrapylete stops her. It's ok, because One Night Only figured out the coyote left its skin at Famous Anus's place. While Straight to Hell is saying goodbye to Slug, Wee Wee, Millimeter Peter, and Fuck Buddy, I make my escape. Only Sleazy and Mary Tyler Whore see me leave.

I tell Do Her Well to meet me at the On After, but I go to Whole Foods. I don't trust her. Besides, the beer is cheaper there. One week later I get a postcard. Muppet Dick is setting trail, and everyone from Just Paul to Little Red Riding Wood are going to be there. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Do Her Well to meet me at Alamo Square with Dickweed and Tuna. Circle Jerk and Wash This Asshole are already waiting for me there. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Three Fingers' house. That's where I stashed the Matisse.

-Just Doesn't Get It