Who knew that Mind The Gap was such an Anglophile? She chose the “joyous, yet melancholy” anniversary of Trafalgar Day to have Gloryhole deflower her on her virgin lay. Unfortunately, no one seemed to know what Trafalgar Day is, or why we should care. It seems to have something to do with saving the world from the “arrogant French attitude” demonstrated so clearly in the little French man, Napoleon. (The dictator Napoleon should not be confused with the pastry Napoleon, which you can find at Café Claude, an “intimate” spot to “savor the hours” with your partner in an “authentic bistro atmosphere.”) The good news is that at least the “so-called” British cuisine filled with “scurvy-inducing gray meat” didn’t take over the world. However, this being America, a virtual child of England, we celebrated the ignominious defeat of the French by bringing up the French, sadly represented by a solitary Wee Wee, for a down-down. 

With the wind blowing on a “nearly-Arctic” evening, most of the pack huddled together for warmth in front of the “cozy and inviting” clubhouse. Wankee Doodle and Open Wide were so cold that they spent a “romantic” hour in a car where he failed in an attempt to trick Open Wide into removing her clothes by removing his clothes first. Open Wide hasn’t fallen for that trick since she met the “charming and burly” Likes 2 Lick at the “slightly seedy” but “very historic” Condor Club, where she used to work serving “watered-down” and “overpriced” drinks.

The pack set off through the “leafy and historic” Presidio, formerly “redolent of American military might” and now just a “sad reminder” of Willie Brown’s “greedy shenanigans.” Westward Ho unveiled his new rent-a-dog in a test of the theory that chicks dig guys with dogs. That ploy didn’t work with Toolbox, however, as it’s well known that she doesn’t even like her sister’s rodent. But Itch My Rod and Butt Love were overheard saying that he did look especially “winsome and cute” with his new pet. Westward Ho was so mortified that he left before down-downs, so his body-double, Voyeur, gladly drank a “cold and refreshing” down-down in his place.

The most challenging part of the run was the steel fence that blocked off the trail. Sensing an opportunity for cheap thrills, Just Bill and Yeast Infection craftily positioned themselves on the other side of the fence and helped the female hashers over the obstacle . . . until Blowfish came over, and Bill threw a “bone-crushing” body block “worthy of a linebacker” to knock Yeast Infection out of the way. Alas, poor Raspukin wasn’t cute enough to get their attention – he caught his shorts on the metal spikes and gave himself a “huge wedgie” loud enough to be heard in Marin. Amazingly enough, Shit Eating Grin did make it over the fence safely, despite having just completed the Chicago Marathon. Much to everyone’s relief, he did not reprise his “humiliating, yet comical” collapse from another race, and finally qualified for Boston.

The King, Rongjon, was a survivor of a different sort of challenge. He lived the “life of a pasha” by dining on “nuclear-heat curries” and “tart chutneys” at the “over-the-top” but “always enjoyable” Interhash in Goa without bringing back any parasites, amoebas, germs, lower gastrointestinal tract stowaways, or viral infections. Oral Roberts was even braver – he brought his “charming and sprightly” mom to this hash, a risky move since she threatened to cut off his allowance if she didn’t get enough beer to drink. One sight of her chugging beer “like a freight train” convinced everyone that she was serious, and she was promptly escorted to the keg for a refill.

Reverent Itchy brought up Just Chris for a naming, but with the neurons in his half-mind “misfiring” like “his manhood” in the cold, he brought up the wrong Chris. In a “pathetic” and “misguided” attempt to save face, the Reverend kept the wrong Chris up for a down-down with the all the Providian Relay runners.

Newbies Just Doug, Just Bill, and Just Flora were brought up for their share of public humiliation at the end of the “boisterous” and “raucous” religion. It’s not clear whether or not they’ll return, despite the enticement of on-on-on locations like the Plough & Stars, which featured an “impressive array” of ales in a “warm and welcoming” atmosphere.

(Scribed by Wankee Doodle with spiritual guidance from Reverend Itchy, who reminds you that the Fist of Steel is dishwasher safe, hypoallergenic and best used with water-based lubricants. Traffic delays and carcinogenic dust provided by CalTrans.)