Prior to coming to order, a band of hooligans disrupted court by running amuck, shouting, and spreading white powder throughout the Halls of Justice. Public Defender Hand Pump convinced the bailiff to leave them be, claiming rights under the second amendment. The court record will note that nothing is said about the “right to beer arms” in the Bill of Rights. Cuming Mutha remains on the most wanted list for unrelated reasons.

Jury selection for the Crime of the Century began in earnest. Jack the Ripper, Cowlick, Pencil Dick, Backwash, I’m Drunk, 2x Whore, Now I Know My STDs, John Handcock, Millimeter Peter, Gobble My Ass, Wee Wee Wee All the Way Home and One Night Only were sworn in as jurors, but all had to be dismissed when it was found they had slept with the DA. Selection will continue next week.

Stroekadiik has appealed for a change of name, happily assisted by the court. Given that Prison Wallet has been taken, Stroekadiik was granted the new title of Stroekadiik Sadly. 

While court records were open, Just Nate requested a records search and was found to truly be Cirque Du So Lame.  

Deep Stroke and Primal Vagina asked for copies of their birth certificates. One is running for office, the other is starring in a porno, official records will be locked until the FOIA request goes through.

Hold My Bitch and Slap a Bag of Dickz were granted a certificate of marriage by the court. It was later discovered that their Deputy Marriage Commissioner was Hepatitis Seeing Eye Dog, who cannot marry people. HepC/D is a dog.  All parties have been told not to flee the country until this matter is investigated.

An anti-discrimination lawsuit has been filed against Fuck Buddy and No Shit’s chocolate sous vide restaurant, Fudge in My Mouth. Given the 15K fine from the health department for an erupting sewer line, they will likely go under soon.

Bounty hunters have rounded up several men and women with outstanding warrants. Just Wayne, Just Scott, Just Aaron, Uncle Bad Touch, Raspukin, and Monkey See Monkey Do Me were amongst those returning to face the righteous fist of justice. Their court dates are yet to be set.

The deed to the Hash Shit has been transferred from Just Wayne to Muff Daddy for the fee of one shitty trail. Muff Daddy’s defense attorney Just Doesn’t Get It said, “Well, yeah, but it was the best trail he’s ever set!” The prosecution rests.

Dildo Baggins is under investigation for unemployment benefit fraud. Suspicions were aroused when he claimed he was still on his summer break and were further aroused when he said he hadn’t been wet enough.

Sir Ménage A Lot reported stolen property, and police officers Ska Skank, Slug, and Oh Shit turned up several Fleshlights in response to his request. All had to be returned to Oh Shit’s trunk when Do Her Well revealed she had subpoena’d Menage’s tool.

However, it was The Good Shit Lollicock’s tool that was found in violation of zoning ordinances. City Inspector Cumdog Millionaire declared it was not long enough for her, and Good Shit was required to drink a non-alcoholic down down as punishment. It was the slowest the court has seen him swallow anything.

Shaft’s application for a Handicap Placard has been approved, but Animal Control has cited him for the feral cat colony in his car. Sister Fister will be taking control of Shaft’s wild pussy henceforth.

In defiance of the city nudity ban, Dick Simmons and Dick Ass Mother Fucker arrived at the Fully Mooned Pub Crawl severely underdressed. In a spontaneous protest, all the Dicks of the hash emerged, and their sentence was commuted with the stipulation that all parties put their pants back on. Blowqueen was nowhere to be found.

Due to a MASSIVE 8.0 earthquake that struck ONLY the court records office, several important records were lost.  A transplant from Chicago was sworn in as a witness and was interrogated alongside two Long Beach hashers and another out of towner. Three virgins were baptized into the hash: two women who made each other come and Just Claudia, who was drawn to the hash by the allure of Hand Pump. All parties have been found guilty of third degree hashing.

Announcements: 

Oh Shit is applying for visas for the Portland Green Dress Run March 14th and needs more people to help him fill out the forms. Ménage wants to stuff us all in a van to get across the border.  Does Tesla make vans?

Mismanagement is in session tomorrow night 7 PM at Giordano Brothers. 

Court will meet next week, at the School of the Arts parking lot on O’Shaugnessy near Portola. PD Hand Pump and his assistant Hoseblower will be testing the waters with their potato smuggling defense. All evidence is sworn to be tasty.

Court is adjourned.