Principal Investigator: Do Her Well

 

Aims: 

To determine whether and to what degree hashing experience affects haring success

To identify the effects of the hash on working relationships

To calculate the minimal orange food effort needed for pack satisfaction

To establish the minimal temperatures Cosmopolitits can tolerate while leading circle

 

Materials:

One Virgin: Just Nick (source: Germany)

10 lbs flour (source: Safeway)

6 sticks of chalk (source: Ace Hardware)

4 avocados (source: Psychic manipulation by Cockamole)

1 beer van (source: Hand Pump)

1 small dog (source: uncertain)

 

Methods:

First, the pack was collected at Dorothy Foreskin Park. Hand Pump administered additional direction to ensure adequate collection from BART, although subjects Dick Ass Mother Fucker, Fit Bitch, and Fit Bitch’s virgin were obtained through alternate mechanisms. Visitors He Who Can’t Be Named and Mandatory Fun were screened for inclusion in the study and no exclusion criteria were observed. The Perfect Woman was disqualified as a Visitor but allowed for participation as a Returning Hasher.

 

Just Nick was briefed on the protocol, which was validated by both Tuna on Top and Cockamole. Bierectional nearly caused a study deviation by drawing the attention of a non-participant, but Shaft ensured that the study was not invalidated. Just Nick was released into the wilderness, accompanied by principal investigator Do Her Well.

 

Initial results were mixed, with the first backcheck being solved rapidly by Fuck Buddy and Just Doesn’t Get It. Furthermore, followup marks were clearly missed by Gobble My Ass and Bitch’s Bitch, which might initially indicate failure in appropriate trail setting. However, historical hashing data clearly shows the pack misses 49% of intersections which cross a street and turn into a park due to short cutting behavior, and post-hoc trail analysis by Hand Pump revealed that the path was appropriately marked.

 

The pack was delayed extensively at the Monterey and Acadia intersection, requiring considerable effort by Wee Wee and Three Fingers to obtain the solution. GPS data reveals that appropriate placement of suggestive marks by Just Nick lured the pack away from true trail, gaining the hares considerable time. Rapid flour placement by Just Nick proved to be an asset, as did a considerable willingness to dive into dark alleys. 

 

The study nearly had to be halted when Do Her Well was bitten by a small dog and acquired rabies on trail, but luckily her case of corona virus prevented coinfection. Just Nick rescued her during her recovery through thoughtful backchecking, setting a mark so precise that Bloqueen though it was a drainage grate and ignored it altogether. 

 

Observed malfunctions in hare performance were noted near City College, as Just Nick forgot his cranium lamp, but it is difficult to assign this to hashing experience alone, as 58% of the pack forgot theirs as well. Nevertheless, this lapse allowed Eat My Pussy and John Handcock to draw even closer, causing the hares to spy the FRBs as they began their return. Several panicked checks later (appropriately leaving Circle Jerk flustered) put the hares in sight of Millimeter Peter. However, had Do Her Well been younger and more willing to throw herself in front of cars, it is likely the hares would have gotten a bit further away. 

 

Trail finished with the hares running by Rectology and the rest of the Turkeys at the check, a timing error some might ascribe to the Turkeys being unable to identify a false, while others might say was due to the hares being too lazy to run the long way around. 

 

Notable deviations from data collection include Good Shit, who thought Who’s Your Daddy would show him a good time, Cum Guzzling Cockaholic, who thought hares actually check their phones on trail, and CPA, who thought the pack would do the same but with Facebook. 

 

Muff Daddy titrated the orange food in a quantity sufficient for the pack. Just Derek, following misadventures in tailoring, was changed in this record to be Capreed My Pants. Appropriate documentation was collected by Dick Simmons.

 

Results:

 

Opinions on trail were collected by Cosmopolitits, who administer a standardized hash survey metric. Dick Tracy’s Pussy, Cum Test Dummy, and Puke Caroline’s surveys were discarded for rating all options as 6.9, which was not even a standardized metric. Gingervitis made his survey into a jaunty hat, Motormount and Jizz Hands rejected the survey when they found out they would not be paid, and Wrinklepecker failed to complete the survey in the allotted time. One And Done’s survey was completed but appeared to reference another trail that had occurred on the weekend, Just Dmitri filled out the data with bits of onion from the guacamole, and Deadbeat was too enthralled by the idea of a hash survey to fill his out.

 

Because of this, opinions on the hash were collected from Dickweed, Jack the Ripper, Mary Tyler Whore, Orieanal Express, Gloryhole, and Peekabooby. Overall, the trail was rated as ‘present,’ the beer was rated as ‘present,’ and the orange food was rated as ‘present.’ One comment noted that ‘you couldn’t even tell one of the hares was a virgin,’ but it was followed by ‘he wasn’t wearing a vest, how was I supposed to know’ and ‘I don’t usually know who is haring anyway.’

 

Follow up data shall be collected next week by Humpy Slowcum and Muppet Dick. Analysis is ongoing, and results promise to be inconclusive.

 

Future directions include remote haring, a hash centipede, and having Just Pearl poop on a map of San Francisco.