There was a guy named Vagina Dentata who, having nothing better to do, took himself over to Alamo Square Park one Monday night. It was there that he saw Cockamole, Cum Test Dummy, On All Fours, and a whole bunch of other people he sometimes regarded as friends. Seeing the group standing around on the sidewalk, he went up to Hand Pump and asked "Where's the beer?"
"Over there, my friend," said Hand Pump. "You can have all the beer you want."
And so, hearing this, Vagina Dentata went over to the van, standing in line behind Crabs and watching the others swig the beer in envy.
But there were quite a lot of people waiting for the beer, so after a while talking to Fuck Buddy, listening to Do Her Well complain, and sharing notes on Butter with Limbo Bimbo, it came to pass that Vagina Dentata had not had any beer at all. He went to find out if he could get some beer from Hand Pump.
"Of course you can have some beer," Hand Pump answered.
Vagina Dentata looked around, seeing Dick Simmons running off over the hill, followed by Fix Her Up her and Tongueless's Penis. Jizzard was dashing right after, followed by Dickweed and Queen.
"Okay," Vagina Dentata slowly nodded. "Where... where is it?"
"Not here," said Hand Pump.
Vagina Dentata looked high and low, but all he could see (with a fine pair of spectacles) was some very tiny arrows on the ground. "Well," Vagina Dentata said to himself. "I guess there's nothing else to do but follow them."
"Yeah, that's how hashing works," John Handcock muttered.
Cuming Mutha darted into a secret alleyway, while Good Shit happily shortcut through the bushes where Bitch's Bitch was answering a call from work. Five Angry Inches did deep knee bends on a bench, demanding Cosmopolitits appreciate his glutes (she didn't).
"Aren't we there yet?" whined Vagina Dentata.
"Not my problem anymore!" yelled Sir Menage a Lot, as he rounded the corner with Douchicorn right on his tail.
"Was it ever?" Can't Eat Pussy wondered, while Circle Jerk got himself turned right around. Millimeter Peter pulled out a magnifying glass, while Humpy Slowcum located an electron microscope, and the pack continued bravely on across Geary.
"Beer near?" Gobble My Ass cried in wonder, while Just Doesn't Get It nearly continued running past the van, so used was he to expecting another five miles to follow between BN and the keg.
"Hand Pump," panted Vagina Dentata. "Can I have some of the beer now?"
"Of course you can!" allowed Hand Pump graciously. So Vagina Dentata took another cup and nodded to Wee Wee and Tonya Hardon. He went to get in line, but before he could grab some, the entire group was off once again.
"There's more?" cried Vagina Dentata in agony, only to see Cream Throat Willy nodding with glee.
"Oh yes, my trail's going to be long and hard tonight, just like..." CTW paused before realizing no one was going to laugh. "Go. Go away."
So Vagina Dentata continued, past Shaft rejoicing on healed legs, past Closet Twitcher whistling to the birds, past Dick Ass Mother Fucker yelling on the streetcorner, and past My Little Porno and her downward facing dog. It was only when he got behind Tuna on Top, Bierectional, Purple Pussy Eater, and CPA that Vagina Dentata realized he might have a problem.
"Is the keg going to even be there when I get to it?" mumbled Vagina Dentata.
"Get in line behind me," Backwash pointed out kindly. "I'll get you there."
"But not before I get some," advised Cockulus Oculus, taking a swig of bourbon. "You have to diversify to survive in the hash."
"I've got an idea," Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring advised. "How about you go get the tequila sunrise? There's plenty of that."
"Oh, I see," Vagina Dentata said. "There's no punchline."
"It's all Greek to me!" pronounced Muppet Daddy.