There are some who will say that One Night Only’s latest offering, War and Piss, is a critical masterpiece, eloquently capturing the confusion and terror of the modern era. Some will claim that co-author Five Angry Inches has brought new perspective to the saga, with a fresh voice and innovative characters to draw in even more of a following. There are some who will claim to thumb through the novella’s pages again and again, finding new perspectives in what they see as an already timeless classic.
Those people are either naïve rubes or critics who have sold out, and if they are so offended by my words, I hope their eyes never alight on my column again.
It’s not surprising that One Night Only would find another book deal despite her previous work in the series being so convoluted and confusing that one might only make sense of it by reading it backwards. Money talks, and for some reason the prurient interest of the public has been enough to sustain an ongoing saga from her pen.
New readers should beware, because when the characters are not being sexually titillating, they are just confused and confusing—sometimes all three at once. Purple prose is actively embraced (with a character named Purple Pussy Eater, how could it not be?), and interludes of sexual counters involving Good Shit Lollicock are interspersed with a lot of pointless running around town. Even popular favorites like The Perfect Woman and Hand Pump can’t draw in the reader’s interest when they are thrown in with newcomers like Fuck The Tears Away and Just Viktor with little to no explanation. Who, one is left to ask himself, is Hello Titties, anyway?
After a nonsensical round of mistaken identities involving Millimeter Peter and Do Her Well, the characters engage in an impromptu session of day-drinking lead by Sir Menage A Lot. During this, Bierectional and Bitch’s Bitch learn many of Just Doesn’t Get It’s darkest secrets, but the reader only gets several not-so-subtle hints that are clearly bait for the inevitable sequel. By the time Cirque du So Lame’s impromptu-- and perhaps contrived— engagement is announced, the authors realize they need to throw in some semblance of a plot. A random act of violence targeting beloved character Muff Daddy is their solution, and they spend much of the middle of the book having Shaft and On All Fours recap the crisis to various groups of their stunned friends over and over again.
While the reader is left wondering far too long regarding Muff Daddy’s fate, his friends are quick to make fun of the incident, leading the reader to either conclude Vagina Dentata and Tuna on Top are either heartless bastards or have a preternatural insight that stems primarily from authorial lassitude.
The revolving cast of characters builds throughout the novella, with Cockamole popping in for sage advice, and Wee Wee and Cosmopolitits pitching in quick-witted banter, Circle Jerk hanging around in the background with Mary Tyler Whore and Just Courtney, and Cream Throat Willy running off faster than the plot. Is it any wonder that we are left with no insight into the role of Muppet Dick in the drama, that we have barely a care to celebrate Cum Test Dummy and Can’t Eat Pussy’s Boston Marathon performance, that this reader in particular kept getting Fuck Buddy and Fucker confused even in the final pages of the novel? If the authors had left Got Wood and Worst Bottom Ever to a separate story, if they had given space for Cuming Mutha and Fuck Norris to more fully develop, they might not have gotten as lost as Dick Ass Mother Fucker. Instead, we are left to take our licks with Fix Her Up Her and drown our sorrows at the end of the day in a good pint of beer.
Don’t wait around for a worthwhile climax, like Just Get It Over With’s perpetual quest for illicitly flashed body parts, you’ll be forever disappointed. Will Just Jacob and Just Courtney’s backstories ever be revealed? Will Stinky Floss get her revenge? Will Masterbaster finish his quest to find rescue the US Constitution from Nazis? Will CPA rescue the schoolchildren trapped on the cargo ship that’s headed towards Treasure Island?
It’s said that the author dies with the last stroke of the pen, but in this case we would be hard-pressed to believe they lived at all. At least the other neverending sagas on the market have dragons.