Flagrant Hooligans Run Amok on Our Fair City Streets

Last evening the peaceful rest of numerous San Francisco residents was callously disturbed by a handful of ne’er-Do-Her-Wells traipsing through our city streets. Early reports indicate the chaos was instigated by a character known only as Chicken Bone Her, though she was aided and abetted by repeat offenders Hand Pump and Muff Daddy.

Sources say the disturbance began near West Portal, where Dildo Baggins and CPA were seen fraternizing with The Good Shit Lollicock, a man with a rap sheet as long and as hard as Fuck Norris’s fist. It wasn’t long before their ranks were greatly enlarged by the addition of Bloqueen and Dick Ass Mother Fucker. Peekabooby apparently stopped to moon the very school she once educated young minds at – that should give you the size and shape of it, if nothing else does.

The hooligans took to the streets just as the daylight waned, leaving suspicious powder and Satanic marks in their wake, causing all manner of dogs and cats to yowl at their raucous noises. Miss Delivery and Bitch’s Bitch terrified a pair of young parents with their small child in a stroller. Mary Tyler Whore and Just Courtney were heard yelling so loudly as they ran up a staircase that the decorations on its sides shattered into numerous mosaic-like patterns. Golden Snowball and Five Angry Inches used such foul language that the San Francisco conures are saying something that rhymes with ‘luck’ at all hours of the day and night. 

If that weren’t bad enough, it appears that this gang has started recruiting from out of town, as PoPo Peep Show (how disrespectful to our fine boys in blue!), Young Male Blow Job, Fellowship of the Cock Ring, and Purple Pussy Eater all traveled far to join the evening’s debauchery. Reports say they even instigated a large fraction of the disturbance near one of San Francisco’s elementary schools.  Cosmopolitits apparently took time to ‘run laps’ around in the playground, and we all know what that’s code for.

Aside from the ruckus, the scoundrels also were drinking illegally in a local park, almost as if to encourage the local youth to think disregarding law and order is a fun, adult activity. The Perfect Woman took down cocktails as if they were water, while Stinky Floss was seen pouring alcohol into some of the initiates’ throats. Speaking of initiation, apparently In The Ass Dear decided that it was time to bring his girlfriend to join these corrupt spirits hanging out at all hours. If she knows what is good for her, she will steer clear of the whole lot.

Tuna on Top, just as things seemed to be drawing to a close, amped the group up even more. Just Get It Over With began harassing members to show their members, and I am sorry to tell you, dear reader, that some members may have complied. Bierectional was last seen shepherding Just Will and Just Ben to the bar, as if they hadn’t got into enough trouble for the evening.

Cum Test Dummy is already recruiting for next week’s gathering, which rumors say will be even more debauched than any before.

Despite the camera of Dick Simmons purportedly nearby, no evidence has been acquired by any of our tipsters. If any witnesses are available, they are heartedly encouraged to give any and all information to the San Francisco Police Department, who will file the appropriate reports with Just Doesn’t Get It, a man we are well assured will get to the bottom of it all with alacrity.