Sometime late in the second Epoch, a small tribe known as the Hashers performed a ritualistic movement around what in their day was a great lake. Unique to that time, many artifacts have been preserved by the fortuitous microclimate of the area. Most popular hypotheses regarding the great Hasher migration posit the tribes were seeking new sources of food, while a few espouse a need for shelter from the Mini Ice Age [1]. However, more careful study reveals potentially more occult and sinister motivations driving the movement.

The Hashers have been typically found located in proximity to a Van (color: white) (field notes, publication TBA). The Van, while in other contexts was merely an object of transportation [2], to the Hashers appeared to have a certain religious context. See the writings of one Dildo Baggins:

“When I saw the van, my knees grew weak and I fell to the ground weeping. Praise Hand Pump!”

The call to Hand Pump, one of the higher deities in the pantheon, indicates the religious zeal ascribed to the great Van. Records indicate that the Tribe at that gathering numbered between twenty and thirty. High Priest Muff Daddy was certainly on site, as tithes had been dutifully collected and enumerated.  In addition, a great ceremony had been carried out immediately prior to the migratory event.

The purpose of this ceremony remains unclear. The Hashers may have been calling on divine intervention for luck, as it appears that Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy had offered a virgin in the ritual. It may have been a celebration of the return of lost Tribe Members, Primal Vagina and Whorifist. Some scholars have pointed out the presence of newer members of the tribe—Just Ben and Master Debater—who would have received a requisite induction. However, evidence exists that these activities were carried out AFTER the Hashers’ travels had concluded! Indeed, one may speculate that this Ritual was actually the initiating event for the entire Migration!

It is known that the ceremony was led by Douche of Hazzard, Just Get It Over With, and Vaginia Dentata, three pivotal figures in the Movement [3]. We have evidence that these three were the architects of the Migratory route, leading us to speculate somewhat on their mental fitness. Regardless, whether they were the brainchildren of the movement, or merely thrust into its forefront by chance, their actions warrant careful study.

Chalk markings were scrawled in the ground, still evident to this day! These markings cleaved the tribe almost immediately in two, an action that would lead to chaos later on. It is unknown to us even in the modern era why one Sect, the Eagles, opted to travel around the lake’s periphery, while the Turkeys wisely found a shorter route to their destination. It seemed that many of the Eagles became separated from each other, having to cross several obstacles along the way. Track marks show Douchicorn at the edge of an endless fence, while Primal Vagina was forced to plow through the Fields of Labial Chaffage (another ancient site of Hasher interest).

It is known that a small group of Eagles found themselves at a Land Bridge spanning the great sea. The Land Bridge had been selfishly blocked off by the noble elite for daytime use only. There are some writings by Udder Moron regarding a Bridge Troll, but we speculate these are in jest. Udder Moron’s presence at the Bridge (and indeed, his architecture of the Hashers’ escape!) is evidence against any real fear.

The Eagles at this point had no choice but to continue along the Land Bridge however they could. Just Doesn’t Get It, Bierectional, and The Perfect Woman, according to records, braved the snapping jaws of the Great Tufted Fence [4]. However, not all of the Eagles believed themselves to be skilled enough to duel a Fence, and so Udder Moron identified a Lesser American Pipe as the beast that would ferry them across the Bridge. One by one, The Uniballer, Do Her Well, Master Debater, Deadbeat, and Three Fingers tamed the Pipe and rode it across the Bridge.

It is here that the Eagles were reunited with their Turkey brethren under the careful watch of Vagina Dentata and Just Get It Over With. Evidence indicates that Douche of Hazzard was dictating actions to Hand Pump elsewhere [5]. The Hashers arrived to much rejoicing, according to the celebratory hymn composed by Backside Banger:

O Eagles on High,

Soar to Your Glory

We’ll Give You Shelter

You Tell Us Your Story!

Your Braveness is Bold

Your Strength Like a Rock

Now Chug This Strong Drink

And Swallow My [unintelligible]

The Turkeys, despite having taken a shorter route, were hopelessly lost and confused. Some photographs from Dick Simmons have been recently uncovered, but they appear to be mostly of Hashers such as Masterbaster, Fuck Norris, Double Man Cum, Sister Fister, Just Pete, and Mouth Down South consuming liquid nutrition [6]. Was the need to stop for sustenance behind the delay the Turkeys experienced? Was this why Hashers such as Ska Skank, Cockagami, and Grandpa’s Next (in a specialized subsect known as the Walkers) reached their goal first? Or did Tuna On Top direct the Turkeys to a children’s play set with the specific intention of distracting them so as to capture more supplies for herself and her friends? The evidence at this point is unclear.

Ironically, despite the lengths that the Hashers had travelled and the desolate environment they had experienced, the Tribe arrived back at precisely the same location as they had left (see above regarding concerns of mental fitness). Douche of Hazzard appeared not to care that the Tribe had achieved nothing along their route, instead opting to crown a queen (Do Her Well) and king (Brown Eye), who were promptly ritualistically sacrificed above a fire pit. The Tribe completely disappeared thereafter, leaving only one clue scratched into the bark of a nearby tree: The Lister. Some more optimistic scholars say this was their next point of refuge from the encroaching cold, but the facts are fairly clear. They were all eaten by killer bees.

1.     1. Muncher, C. et al. The Call of The Wild: Hashers In Turmoil. 

2.     2. Cutler, B. et al. Vehicle or Vanity: The Lewd Use of Fossil Fuels.

3.     3. Gispert, A. et al. Hashers: Looking Ahead While Looking At Behinds.

4.     4. Attenborough, G. et al. Fences: The Ideal Guarding Beast.

5.     5. Smith, Z. et al. Hand Pump: Man or Myth?

6.     6. Skank, S. et al. Liquid Lunch: Livering Your Life To The Fullest.