The Hashers Oppressed
1 These are the names of the hashers who went to the trail at Ruth Asawa School of the Arts with Gondolarrhea, each with a Fuck Buddy in their turn: 2 Three Fingers, Fucker, Glory Hole and Masterbaster; 3 , Got Wood and I Cunt Hear You; 4 Eat My Pussy and Cockarazzi; Vagina Dentata and Dick Ass Mother Fucker; Reverse Schoolgirl and Pole Her Bare; Cockamole and Tears of Semen; and Just Arnaud. 5 Rocky Mountain Oyster’s years numbered sixty-nine in all; Gondolarrhea with him spent some time at a bar.
6 Now Gondolarrhea and all his brothers and all that generation drank well, 7 but the some were becoming exceedingly racist; they demanded trail before beer, increased in numbers and became so numerous that the land was filled with them.
8 Then a new king, Brown Eye, to whom Gondolarrhea meant nothing, came to power in SFH3. 9 “Look,” he said to his people, “Gondolarrhea and his ilk have become far too drunk for us. 10 Come, we must deal shrewdly with them or they will become even more rowdy and, if they get bored, will join The Perfect Woman, fight against us and leave for the On After.”
11 So he set trail to oppress the half-minds with forced labor, and he called a van with a cock on it to enclose the keg. 12 But the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied and spread, Just Julie relentlessly bringing virgins, and even returners such as Smells Like Fish Tastes Like Bacon, Banana In Public, Resting Slut Face, and visitor Hammer amongst them; so Brown Eye came to dread the hashers 13 and worked them ruthlessly. 14 He made Saigon Sally’s and Yes Sir Yesshesfat’s lives bitter with harsh circle jerks, and even the hounds of Douchicorn, Twerxes Like Xerxes, and Masterbaster cried for relief. But despite Mouth Down South and Buck Fucka calling to the skies for even a Jello shot, none could be found.
15 Brown Eye said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring and My Little Porno, 16 “When you are helping the harriettes with minors, if you see that the baby is a girl, tell her to make sandwiches.” 17 My Little Porno, however, did not know what a minor was and so did nothing. 18 Then Brown Eye summoned the midwives and asked them, “Why have you done this? Why are there no sandwiches?”
19 The midwives answered Brown Eye, “Harriettes are not like regular women; they can’t keep it from getting all over their face. Besides, Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy, Vaginia Dentata, and IDK My BFF Scott took all that the minors offered.”
20 Brown Eye at this point gave up.
The Birth of Zippercised
2 Zippercised was born and grew up.
Zippercised and the Burning Bush
3 Now Zippercised was tending the flock of Muff Daddy his father-in-law, and he led his small flock to the far side of the Glen Park. 2 There Ska Skank appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Zippercised saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. 3 So Zippercised thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.” Zippercised was unfamiliar with red-heads.
4 When Ska Skank saw that he had gone over to look, she called to him, “Zippercised!”
And Zippercised said, “I have Jello shots.”
5 And Ska Skank asked, “Why are all of my people not imbibing these Jello shots? Not even BlowQueen or Boob Slap have sustenance.”
6 Zippercised related to her what Brown Eye had done.
Dudes Without Shirts
4 Afterward Zippercised and Cockagami went to Brown Eye and said, “This is what Ska Skank says: ‘Let my hashers go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the wilderness.’”
2 Brown Eye said, “Who is setting this trail anyway? I will not let the hashers go until they eat my hummus.”
3 Then they said, “Ska Skank said there would be a plague on all the racists.”
4 But Brown Eye did not heed them.
5 That same day a cloud came over the land and so Miss Delivery, Dual Tools, and Resting Slut Face, compelled by the humid weather, removed their shirts and flexed their pectorals. 5 So freeing was the fresh air to Miss Delivery that he immediately renounced both racism and hipsterism, and pledged to spend the rest of his life at the bar. 6 And Brown Eye was unable to seduce them.
6 Then Ska Skank said to Zippercised, “Now you will see what I will do to Brown Eye: Because of my mighty backhand he will let them go to the bar.”
Cockagami to Circle with Zippercised
2 Now when the Ska Skank spoke to Zippercised at the start, 3 she said to him, “Why aren’t you starting Circle yet? It’s getting cold and starting to rain.”
7 Then Zippercised spoke to Cockagami, “Just Get It Over With.” 2 “She’s over there,” replied Cockagami, and asked Brown Eye to pour down downs. 3 But Ska Skank hardened Brown Eye’s heart, and 4 he did not pour enough.
Good Shit’s Staff Becomes a Snake
5 And so Zippercised and Cockagami spoke to the circle of a miracle they had seen, 6 “When Good Shit was crossing the road, a calamity occurred. He revealed that his staff had become a snake.”
7 “I have one, too!” Do Her Well yelled and waved a girthy pink object at the crowd. IDK My BFF Scott, to his chagrin, did not have one, and was ashamed. 8 Yet Brown Eye’s ‘heart’ became hard and he would not listen to them.
The Plague of Hymenals
9 Then the Zippercised said to Cockagami, “Roman Showers refuses to take responsibility for her hymenal, so someone must. 10 Go to Backside Banger in the morning as he goes out to the river. Confront him on the bank of the bay, and take in your hand the staff that was changed into a snake.” 11 “This sounds too complicated, let’s just call him for a down down,” said Cockagami. And so it was done.
The Passover and the Festival of Unleavened Bread
8 Then Brown Eye said to the hashers, 2 “I will not let you go without trying my matzo. 3 And Wee Wee gagged when it touched her lips, and Dickweed swore a curse upon the land. 4 And all who came upon the matzo immediately drank heavily to forget the memory. 5 And so the reign of Brown Eye was broken, and all racism was forever renounced 6 for at least the period of one week.